Friday, February 19, 2016

Open Letters to Various Bookish Characters

Lately my literary ponderings have been a mashup of books and movies, conversations with friends, and random inspiration. I thought it would be fun to write open letters of advice to a few characters I've encountered recently. Here you have it from LOTR, The Silmarillion, David Copperfield, Our Mutual Friend, and Middlemarch. :)




For Tolkien Characters 

Dear Gollum,
I've been contemplating your addiction to gold rings this morning, and I think I've discovered the reason. You don't like taters. When you were a Baby Gollum, if you had eaten taters when your grandmother set them before you, you might not be where you are now. Orc bones and worms might be more to your taste, but we all have to eat vegetables in life. Notice, if you please, that Sam ate taters, and he was immune to gold rings. Give up orc bones and pay $19.99 for the Samwise Diet Cookbook, and I think there will be hope for you yet.

Your Psychologist,
Lady B.


Dear Elves of Teleri,
You're a grand race of elves, you are. You move me to awe and excitement with your majesty. However, defending your validity during dinner conversations is racking up some serious credit in my deposits of self-dignity. People in this house do not believe you really exist. To prove that Elves Really Do Matter in Real Life, please help me out by sending the Nauglafring necklace on tour. I don't think they're going to believe me unless they see it for themselves.

Your Creditor,
Lady B.


For Dickens Characters 

Dear Steerforth,
You had me from the very first moment you called David Copperfield "Daisy". I know it's a silly name, but you were so tall and handsome and fashionable that I think I was star-struck. Certain People Who Shall Remain Nameless may hate you, but I shall always be loyal. Whenever you need a refuge, you may come to me, but please keep in mind that I have pepper spray and I don't trust your good intentions.

Sorrowfully Yours,
Lady B.


Dear Mr. Headstone,
I know you're a schoolmaster, and it's easy to lose touch with the human race when you spend your whole day with books. Allow me to mention that it is not advisable to begin proposals of love with "You have ruined me," especially when you're in dead earnest. I could not take your love seriously, and I'm sure Lizzie Hexam couldn't either. Nor is it wise to describe the first day you met the object of your passion as "wretched and miserable". It may make her doubt the fondness of your affections. For $19.99, please order Marriage Proposals the Jane Austen Way, and you may yet have a chance of winning her affections.

Your Life Coach,
Lady B.

PS. Or ask Will Ladislaw for advice, see below.


For Middlemarch Characters 

Dear Will Ladislaw,
I have a great fondness for you, even if you were Author's Pet. You're my favorite character too, so I can't blame her. But if your true love is going to come calling on the beautiful Mrs. Lydgate, it generally leads to Misunderstandings when she finds you comforting Mrs. Lydgate with your arm around her. That's such a fictional cliche, Will, and you're smarter than that. Maybe because you have to try out every profession before you choose one, you have to try out all the cliches too. Because you look like Jaeryn, I'll forgive you. Be good, and try not to lose your temper every time society betrays you. It's a fickle creature, and there's no hope for it. Rash decisions to leave Middlemarch won't raise you in the opinion of people who simply don't matter.

Fondly Yours,
Lady B.

PS. However did you pull off a silent proposal without disappointing the fondest dreams of your entire viewing audience? I actually skipped back to watch it again. You must be so proud of yourself.


Dear Reverend Casaubon,
You simply can't keep asking for empty notebooks for Christmas. They distract you from writing the Key to All Mythologies and send you on plot bunnies. I declare, you're worse than all of us Twitter authors. Plot bunnies, however scholarly, will not get the book written. In fact, if anyone could be diagnosed with Death by Plot Bunnies, I think you would be a fair candidate. Inform your friends and family that no more notebooks will be required and buy Scrivener to get yourself organized. If you promise to stop neglecting Dorthea for your deep and important scholarly ideas, I'll even show you how to use it.

Sternly Yours,
Lady B.

PS. For $19.99, of course.


What would you write to characters you've encountered lately? Write a blog post and put a link in the comments. I'd love to see!

12 comments:

  1. Oh my word. This. I want more.

    (Or will it be for $19.99?)

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    Replies
    1. I'm thinking about making it a regular feature! (Or should that be for $19.99 club members?)

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  2. Hahaha--LOVE this sort of thing! (It has Mr. Nary flavors)

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  3. I LOVE this. Such a funny idea! I'm going to have to try my hand at some. ;)

    And really. Marriage Proposals the Jane Austen Way. Somebody needs to get him that for his birthday....

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    Replies
    1. :D :D I was inspired by some you wrote a long time ago to the WoL characters and thought it'd be fun to do them to published books as well! If you do some, I'd love to see them!

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  4. This is so good! XD I think Gollum and Will Ladislaw and Reverend Casaubon were my favorites....
    You should do more of these. :)

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    Replies
    1. My favorites as well. <3

      I'm thinking of making them a monthly feature for the next little while!

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  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh Schuyler I may have hooted aloud at the pepper spray and intentions line.

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    Replies
    1. Alas, however much I love Steerforth, I cannot trust him.

      :D :D :D

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