Wednesday, June 20, 2018

In Which Mrs. Lynde Discovers Anne With an E

After watching the trailer for Anne with an E, Season 2, I thought it would be hilarious fun to have Mrs. Lynde's commentary on it. No disparagement to the series intended--I haven't seen it yet! A link to the trailer is found under "Trailer comes on", which may help with the context of the article.  I hope you all enjoy. :) ~Schuyler 
via Pixabay
It has long been known in the annals of time that strong personalities must possess their own territory. Every bird must have its thicket, every lion must have its pride, and every woman must have her own kitchen. Such is the law of humanity, and this law is kept inviolate in Avonlea...

Mrs. Rachel Lynde reaches for a pair of spectacles and furtively glances towards the shut kitchen door. Jerry Buote sits at the table with a fresh jam and bread. All the curtains are closely drawn.

Mrs. Lynde: At my age I don't hold to modern laptops, but there comes a time for everything. I simply must know what the minister was talking about. I won't have a moment's peace until I do. Anne all over Netflix? What is this Netflix?

She pulls a laptop from under the kitchen table and sets the cord on top of it.

Mrs. Lynde: Mind you, the church has come to a pretty pass when ministers are mentioning movies in sermons. When I was a girl, such a thing was never heard of. Did they exhaust the Holy Scriptures, that they have to fall back to pagan entertainment? It's a disgrace, that's what. Jerry, how does this thing turn on?

Jerry Buote obligingly plugs in the cord and turns on the laptop. Mrs. Lynde puts on her spectacles and watches over his shoulder.

Mrs. Lynde: YouTube? What's YouTube? The minister said it was on Netflix.

Jerry: You'd have to pay for Netflix. YouTube is free.

Mrs. Lynde: Well, go to YouTube then. I'm certainly not paying hard-earned money until I know if it's worth something.

Jerry pulls up Netflix. Mrs. Lynde stares open-mouthed at the array of videos offered.

Mrs. Lynde: How did you learn about computers, Jerry? It's not natural in my opinion. And do you watch YouTube?

Jerry mumbles something under his breath.

Mrs. Lynde: Speak up. I can't understand you.

Jerry, hastily: Sometimes. Here's the trailer the minister was talking about.

Trailer comes on:

Anne: "Isn't the world a remarkable place?" 

Mrs. Lynde: She'd say that. Marilla never could get that girl to settle down to anything like a normal child.

Matthew and Marilla sit on the sand eating a picnic. 

Mrs. Lynde: Lawful heart, is that Marilla Cuthbert? And Matthew? Having a picnic? I can tell you, that never happened. All of Avonlea would have heard of it.

Gilbert appears walking with a friend along the road.

Mrs. Lynde squints at the screen: Is that his father?

Jerry: He's an orphan in this season.

Mrs. Lynde: An orphan? Gilbert Blythe's no orphan. His father was alive to see his grandchildren, that's what. He would turn over in his grave to hear it--I only hope Gilbert doesn't see it mentioned after the funeral.

Jerry: Gilbert worked at the docks in Charlottetown in this show.

Mrs. Lynde, outraged gasp: Gilbert Blythe lived in a respectable family until he went to a respectable school and became a respectable doctor. To think I lived to see the day when the truth was as over-rated as this--and I've heard some lies in my time, believe me. I once heard of a man in White Sands who lied to his wife about what he'd done with the crop money. Died in his bed that very night. Now people are being paid for such tales.

The teacher appears in a pageant costume.

Mrs. Lynde: Well, that's the best he ever looked, that's what. He never did benefit the school. Making girls sit with the boys was a disgrace to Avonlea.

Gilbert Blythe stands on the deck of a boat. 

Mrs. Lynde: They probably have him traipsing off to Las Vegas now. Pretty soon Anne will be in boy's clothes going with him.

Anne: have you ever heard anything more romantical? 

Mrs. Lynde: Well, she would say that too. Far be it from me to withhold credit where credit is due. And she did sleep with Diana and Minnie May. But lawful heart, what are they thinking of? And why are they mixing up Anne with this nonsense? There must be a Yankee involved with it somewhere. No, Jerry, don't touch any more of those videos. It's a nonsense and a waste of time.

Jerry: But the minister watched it.

Mrs. Lynde: Next time the minister comes I'll give him an earful. Endorsing a pack of lies like that from the pulpit? I tried to tell the committee. A young seminary graduate barely two years out of college, and he's been to Washington D.C. Why, a minister the exact same age over in Charlottetown embezzled the church funds--right out of the offering plates, that's what.

Jerry: I can take the computer off your hands, Mrs. Lynde.

Mrs. Lynde: Certainly not. I will personally take my kitchen ax to this terror of a machine tomorrow morning. It isn't even fit to give to the Pyes.

Jerry: They already have one. They watch it every night after dinner.

Mrs. Lynde: If Mr. Pye wants his children to grow up with heads stuffed full of deceit, that is certainly no business of mine. I'll go over tomorrow afternoon and tell him my opinion of it, make no mistake. It's high time you were in bed, Jerry. Have you seen to the cows?

Jerry: Yes, ma'am.

Jerry disappears. Mrs. Lynde looks at the computer, which has now fallen into sleep mode. Slowly, she closes the lid half-way. Then she pauses.

Mrs. Lynde: Oh, I'll never have a minute's peace until I know more.

She opens the lid again and clicks on the screen. But Jerry has exited the internet browser, and Mrs. Lynde stares blankly at a desktop of confusing icons. After a few fruitless clicks of the mouse, she closes the lid again.

Mrs. Lynde: I'll take the ax to it tonight, that's what.


Enjoy this? Check out The Olympics Come to Avonlea for more Mrs. Lynde commentary!

8 comments:

  1. HAHAHA! Of COURSE the Pyes watch Netflix. Obviously.

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    1. :D :D When writing in haste, the Pyes make lovely scapegoats. XD

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  2. Oh this is too precious for words! I love how she attempts to open the lid and finish the trailer when Jerry isn't look. Too funny.

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    1. Hehe, me too. XD Trying to find out when NO ONE WILL KNOW.

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  3. Haha, this is great. I think Rachel Lynde and I would share quite the same opinions on this TV show. Believe _me_.

    Well done!

    Kyla <3

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    Replies
    1. Make that three. I'm with you both! I couldn't believe it. :D

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