This season has been a season of pressure and breaking points. In early January on the way to work, I banged into the back of another car. It left pocketbooks lighter, a sense of innocence lost, and our family without a second van. (The poor dear was too old to sustain injuries.) That day my employer kindly picked me up and took me home.
One month later, I was in another accident on a busy evening. While no one was physically injured either time, that has been harder to recover from.
I spent the day before the second accident with a book; looking over one dear to my childhood and thinking about using it in a 4-6th grade class. The Black Stallion held an iconic, endearing friendship that I've never forgotten and a sense of wild independence that the Jaeryn deep down in me relates to. That evening I can't remember what I did, except I was sitting under twinkle lights with my computer, crying. The stiffness in my arms went away in a day or two. Sitting in the back seat traumatized when drivers have to brake or turn has not.
When Elijah headed into the wilderness, exhausted and emotionally depleted, our pastor pointed out from 1 Kings 19 that the Lord fed him and he slept. These physical needs were what he needed in the moment to heal his spirit.
The next days after the accident I slept more than I had in a while, trying to find a sense of balance in the tailspin. I had already started a collection of Spider-Man comics the Sunday of the time change, and I read them on my phone in between sleeping, too numb to grade homework. Spider-Man comics don't have much to them, though I was surprised by the emotional depth of his battle with the Lizard. But in spite of that, they were a kind of grace as I swiped through them and found rest.
That week my favorite Christian book store hosted their Customer Appreciation sale. In some ways, it felt irresponsible to go after everything that had happened. In other ways, it felt like I could not take more loss and wanted to stem it somewhere. I had already saved some money, and bought a brand new copy of Stephanie Morrill's historical fiction, Within These Lines--a tale of America's Japanese internment camps during WW2. I started it the next morning, and it is beautiful. That was one of the books. Joanne Bischof's tender Sons of Blackbird Mountain was another. I binge-skimmed it the following morning when both parents were out and the house was quiet.
ain't never heard of binge-skimming, schuyler
They are both beautiful, and the kindness of my mother helped that and another book find their way into my basket as well.
The next day I take my first ride to the library to get a research book--one of the first simple drives I took as a young driver. Later again I go to the store. Both times are hard. It is almost impossible to comprehend how something you did for so long will ever feel feasible or comfortable again. But while that is still broken, there are other moments of grace. A student who reads the bio on your book and promises to bring you a chai latte. A conversation with another student who expresses such a hunger for writing well. Time to pray before the school day starts that never would have happened before the crash. Warm tea and writing in the car on the dark, early mornings of teaching days. Reassuring texts and emails from friends saying hurt is understandable, and to take grace and time to heal.
Sometimes I listen to music and cry. (Scars by I AM THEY and Fear No More by The Afters both touch a tender spot.) Sometimes I cry a lot. It feels like a regression, and it hurts. But out of the brown grass of spring, green shoots of dreams are spreading strong roots, and other root wants that need to die are being tugged at by the Holy Spirit. And just as my paster taught us that God brought comfort to Elijah through nourishment, conversations, and his presence, so I have received comfort through my parents, my sister, extended family, and friends--and being able to talk to Him.
We all have breaking points, my pastor says. But as he speaks, he reminds us of God's tender care and comfort in the breaking points. We are finding this to be true.
On our drive home that Sunday, a man and a woman pick up sticks in their front yard. To me, it's a picture of grace.